When chronic pain stops being physical…
*I hesitated posting this, because I was afraid it was too personal for a professional website. But post-pandemic, I feel a bit safer about sharing all sides of the real me. Maybe this might resonate with you?
Never did I expect that a headaches could completely ruin me.
One day they just kept coming and it quickly just turned into a whole body problem.
My emotions are volatile. I range from exuberance to catatonic in a matter of hours
My stomach is constantly queasy and my equilibrium is off balance.
A physical lump has taken residence in my throat. But it’s not actually physical matter, just a subconscious construct from my racing mind and anxious thoughts
Relationships are pushed to new limits of understanding, patience and cooperation as the ones closest to me see the ugliest bits of me.
On and off medication countless times. Deciding the side effects aren’t worth it. And the withdrawal is nasty.
Vacillating over what pills I can take and when to make the symptoms stop to avoid another need poke(s) to deliver a heavier dose, to stop the cycle.
Imploring my friends in the healthcare field their advice if I can’t get a hold of my doctor.
It’s ALL JUST TOO MUCH, too overwhelming.
I hate the person I’ve become. My light has become dull. I don’t have any energy for the activities that once brought me joy. I am short and mean to my kids. The one little beings that adore me no matter what I do or say.
They look to me to learn the way and I’m not proud of the example I’m setting. I’m not showing them a healthy way to deal with emotions. Because I just don’t have the strength any more – physical or mental.
I hit a new low this week. I couldn’t stop crying. Every step of the way, every disagreement, every obstacle with the kids just provoked more tears until finally I let loose the floodgates and with it came a guttural scream. My voice got deep and I begged the kids to cooperate. I curled into a ball on the floor and I wept
It’s not their job. They are just kids. It’s not fair to ask them to deal with my shortcomings.
I can’t do everything when I have chronic pain. I can’t do everything when my emotions are all over the place. But I can’t stop my brain from believing that I have to and that I have to keep carrying on. And that completing one last task or regaining control of one small area of my physical environment might help.
I want to shut off so bad. To go to bed in a dark room, completely undisrupted and come out in a week and feel like myself again, but I know that’s not an option. Healing is a process, this I know. But I’ve been healing with every single modality available – pharmaceuticals, counseling, massage, reiki, yoga, physical therapy, acupuncture, cupping, nutrition, crystals (for God’s sake!)
I have been spending five years putting in the work. Trusting the process and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress. Or maybe there has, but weeks like these jettison me back to the beginning. And each time I go back, the path forward gets harder to navigate and the baggage feels heavier.
**If you’re interested in the mind-body connection, or suffer from chronic pain and want to connect, please email me. I love learning about this topic and hearing about all the treatment options available.
