I treated myself to a psychedelic spa day last month. Add that to the list of things that I never thought I’d say or do. Truly, ever since I’ve had kids, the list is about a mile long. I recently wrote an article for Milwaukee Magazine to inform people about the use of a psychedelic drug called Ketamine for therapeutic experiences. After talking with Justin Lubin, founder and facilitator at Perspective Wellness, I was intent on trying it myself to see if it could help me unravel some of the feelings of depression and anxiety that have come along with chronic pain. 

After a screening with a psychiatric nurse practitioner and a thoughtful prep session with Justin, I was ready to tap into a deeper level of my subconscious to learn what’s behind my conscious thoughts and emotions. A few important details I learned before I took my first “Journey”

• The mindset of the “Traveler” and the setting for the trip are essential. I began by some sigh breathing to regulate my blood pressure and a guided meditation to relax

• The atmosphere is different—much less medicalized—from clinics where ketamine is administered through an IV drip. There was lots of natural light, cushy recliners, cozy blankets and aromatherapy.

• The Ketamine journey is very music-oriented so there is a curated playlist with superior sound to move people into different mental spaces

• Using sublingual tablets that dissolve, the medicine is administered 100 mg at a time so if you feel like you’re deep enough, you don’t need to take more

• Justin called Ketamine a very safe and “user friendly” drug when administered properly. It has been used in operating rooms for decades for its anesthetic properties and low risk of negative feelings/emotions like some other psychadelics

I’ve never tried any psychedelic drugs recreationally, nor did I ever really have a desire to. I don’t enjoy feeling out of control when I get drunk because I know there’s is almost always some type of physical discomfort that follows. After only about 10 minutes of the initial dose of Ketamine, I felt deeply relaxed, euphoric, happy and at peace. Yes, I did experience some out of body and sensations of weightlessness, but I didn’t have hallucinations like people might expect. Everything happened exactly the way Justin said it would and he was there to check in on me periodically to ensure I was comfortable as I reclined in the armchair, eye mask on, blissing out to the music. I cried a lot, but wasn’t sad. In fact, I blurted out, “I don’t even know why I am crying right now!”

After I had taken the second pill, I was pretty out of it and couldn’t really conceptualize what my face looked like. Justin and I had a good laugh after that revelation and I opted not to take the third pill. If swallowed rather than absorbed through the salvia, it gets processed through your gut and has a deeper dissociative effect. 

So after about 90 minutes of journeying to the curated playlist, I began to come back into my conscious mind and Justin invited me to talk about what I saw during the journey. Luckily, he took notes because I am not sure I would have been able to remember or make sense of everything. I remember starting the journey in a deep cave where there was a dance party. I heard what sounded like a Spanish guitar so I then envisioned myself dancing in the streets of Spain (More specifically in the Triana neighborhood, a place I’ve once lived and would consider a turning point in my life) Aside from feelings of deep relaxation and euphoria (and lots of dance parties), I envisioned being at peace and other people finding peace too. I felt safe and protected, and was able to tune into all the different forms of beauty in my life. Themes of family, generational gifts, gratitude, love, freedoms and empowerment all came up in different visions that I had during the journey.

As I held space on my Dad, which is a very important (and often difficult) relationship in my life, I was exploring boundaries, compassion and understanding, and trying to figure out how to blaze my own trail while honoring his legacy. I ended up basically having a conversation with myself as Justin gently nudged me in one direction or another. “I saw this fresh snow,” I said. “Both my dad and I love to ski. I want him to be a part of my life, but I need more freedom to be who I am. Oh I know, invite him in, but stay the couse.. I understand... I get it... It's uncomfortable for him... the fear... it;s his fear that I don't have to bear... I love new things…” After this pep talk to myself, I felt energized and relieved.

As I held space on my husband and kids, I felt so much gratitude although it has as times, brought me so much pain. I felt a deep sense of love and belonging like never before. I realized that even in pain and suffering there is joy, maybe the deepest of all.

As I shifted to contemplate a phrase from my prep session with Justin. He suggested the affirmation "Take it easy golden child" as I told him about my struggles with self compassion and complicated family dynamics as the responsible one. Again, I noticed the connection between suffering and love, and again, I saw beauty.

Justin asked me to summarize my journey by writing an imaginary postcard to myself. I told him it’d have a big heart on it with a rainbow and a smiley face. “I’d tell myself that I realzied taht my superpowers are curiosity, my deep emotions, my love, and my ability to create and find beauty. And P.S. - You're doing OK!”

During the integration phase after the journey, I as instructed to use “Shift language” to help create new neural pathways and take advantage of the neuroplasticty caused by the Ketamine. The phrase we came up with for my shift language was “Real Beauty.” With the assistance of Ketamine, I was able to access my subconscious mind and realize that real beauty is the intersection of joy and suffering.

So my homework for the next week was as simple as this: meditate, take intentional walks and playtime with my children as I stayed present, listen to the journey soundtrack again, practice yoga, share my experience with friends and family, and savor positive sensations.

It is still so crazy to me that the brain controls every part of my body and that there is the opportunity to change behaviors simply by tuning in. Although to learn that, I clearly needed some help tuning out.