I had, and still have a lot of strong feelings about being a mother; along with a bit of disbelief. At first it was a brief loss-of-identity crisis, but now I am settling in a bit more. Thanks, in part, to the Coronavirus pandemic, I really feel comfortable in my role at home, with my kids. My heart is full in ways it never was before. I know that sounds really corny. Let me clarify – I do derive a lot of self worth and feelings of accomplishment from my work, but going through a traumatic event like a global pandemic can cause you to bond with someone in serious ways.

Sometimes, I feel smothered. I mean, I do get truly, physically, smothered by my children on a daily basis. They have no concept of spacial awareness or control of their bodies. But lately, I’ve been feeling an earnest sense of belonging. I will never be truly alone because I have these little pieces of me. Admittedly, I have different relationships with my kids. Cash is tender, sensitive and eager to please. Ruby is ebullient, brash and strong-willed. They’re both silly as hell. I identify much more with Cash and he’s a bit more self sufficient lately, but I truly do love them both equally. Knowing that they need me is helping me try to understand how I really need them too. They bring true joy to my life, new perspectives and a deeper emotional experience. Because of all these new emotions, I’ve dedicated a lot of time to understanding how I process them and it’s allowing me to becoming so much more self aware.

I still worry sometimes that all I’ll remember about their first years is the exhaustion, frustration and cleaning the house on repeat. But luckily, I have a pretty decent writing habit that I can look back on to remember the good times.

As you can see by my reluctant smile being choked by someone you really love isn’t all that bad after all.